Love Isn't a Feeling.

God called me to be here - so it's supposed to be easy and all full of love and roses, right? WRONG. I've been telling myself the entire time that it's not going to be easy. It's going to get tiring, frustrating, and at times, I might actually want to go home. But through it all, it's in His hands. Lean on Him and it'll all be okay. And the thing is is that all of that was easy to say until it actually started getting hard.

Sometimes, I wake up and I really don't want to go to school. I get so frustrated when I have 25 kids in my class who are screaming and not listening that I could just pack it up and go back to Canada. Teaching is an incredible amount of work, and often times, it is so hard. Waking up when it's still dark and walking up that hill every day isn't something I look forward to. Sometimes (and especially lately) I really 

miss my family. I want to be able to hold my brand new niece, but I won't even get to see her till she's nine months old. That's really hard for me. I want to be able to stop straining to understand every word that's being spoken to me, and I want to be able to talk freely without the other person having a confused look on their face. It's hard not being able to understand, and not being understood. I want to get in my car and drive somewhere, anywhere for that matter, rather than taking a crowded chicken bus and then having to be home before 6pm because it gets dark and then it's not safe. Giving up independence is hard.

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this anymore. I'm supposed to be the 'missionary', and it's only been three months and I want to crawl back to Canada. Kind of sad, right? I know for a fact that God has called me here, and He's reaffirmed my life here numerous times, but that doesn't make it less difficult. Honestly, I'm really struggling. But through the struggle, I'm learning what love actually is.

Love isn't a feeling. At first it might feel that way, but after the rose-coloured glasses come off, you have to choose to love. Love is a choice, not a feeling. I came to a point recently where I told God, "I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired, and I miss my family, and everything is hard. I'm sick of this." After He patiently listened to my pity party, He whispered into my heart: "It was harder for Me."

That put me back in my place. I have absolutely no right to my own life, because it was purchased by His blood. I've been given life freely, but not without a cost. How could I not spend myself for Him? Jesus suffered more than we could ever imagine, and I dare tell Him that I can't do what He's asked of me? Jesus chose to love me in that moment, chose to be mocked, beaten, and killed in the most disgraceful way when he deserved nothing, so that I could know Him. So that He could show me His glory. So that He could wrap me in His arms, and tell me that I'm doing great. So that He could tell me to keep going. So that He could draw me to Him in a way that I haven't been drawn before. So that He could show me His beautiful heart, full of grace and mercy and justice, for the people of Guatemala. The definition of love is Jesus Christ, the Lamb of God. He chose to love me.

And so I choose to love others. Even though I'm exhausted, it is energy well spent because He asked me to spend myself in this way. Even though I'm frustrated, He knows every thought that passes through my head and comforts me. I'm learning how much I need Him, and it brings Him joy when I come to Him asking for help. He always gives it freely.

But I also need your help. Please, please, please continue to pray for me. Pray that I can learn how to be a good teacher, because I often feel like a failure. Please pray that my ears and mind would be opened so that I could learn Spanish so fast (supernaturally fast would be great). Please pray for my heart, for patience, peace, kindness, goodness, and self control so that I would become more like Him and less like me. Pray for my fundraising, because I still have approximately $1000 left to raise. And pray for my kids. There's a lot of brokenness and a lot of darkness, and Jesus has amazing plans for this country.